Tuesday, April 15, 2008

panic! at the elementary school

I'm thinking of staying in China. I have three days to decide.

I've been having waves of panic about this for about seven hours, but I talked to my boss and it's possible. Let me just try and articulate what I'm panicking about.

I have nothing to go home to in the states. Yes, I miss family and friends. A lot. A bunch of my friends are getting married in the fall and I wouldn't be able to go to their weddings. My baby brother and sister will be growing up without me and it's heartbreaking. Speaking of which, I'll be separated from my bff and brother Tristan and good friend and once-future roommate, Donk. But as far as employment is concerned? Nothing. And what about relationships? Ha. Meanwhile, I've set up an adult life for myself here. The opportunities in Shanghai are TRULY endless and overwhelming, and I. am. panicking. about giving that up.

The pros of staying vastly outweigh both the cons of it and the pros of going home. And I want to go home. I do. But objectively, it isn't the best thing for me, and thus far, nobody's arguing with that. I either go home and waste a year bartending or telemarketing in a town that I may have, at this point, outgrown, or stay at my high-paying, stress-free job and work on my personal development as an adult. I have a great job right now. I have a free apartment right now. Going home would be fabulous, but a rather bad decision in the end. I need to start thinking about things in terms of what's best rather than what I want the most. And it would be one thing if I were constantly unhappy here, but you know what? I'm not. My life is awesome. Maybe I should chase that feeling instead of chasing things half a world away.

Gawwwwwhhhh.......I feel nauseous. This "growing up" thing's a really sonofabitch, no?

1 comment:

alisa said...

mo-
china and wv are not your only options. i strongly encourage you to think of dc, and living with me until the peace corps does or does not take me sometime near july (plus or minus (actually, no minus) 6-12 months). enticing, no? :) uhh... anywho, good luck making a decision. if you do decide to come home, just remember you don't have to be a bartender and you don't have to live in morgantown. which, i'm sure you know, it's just i tend to forget that i don't have to move to bristol and wait tables just because (i think) the peace corps may end up not having me. but seriously about dc, there are like a million opportunities for tefl work. miss you and love you and all that mushy stuff.
-alisa

ps-
i don't know if you can access this link, but if you can it seems appropriate. :) http://www.explosm.net/comics/1242/