Wednesday, February 27, 2008

This is IT: Explaining the Facebook Decision and Moving On

Hopefully by now you've forgiven me for leaving Myspace and Facebook for greener, less updated pastures. In the end, it all boils down to the bittersweet sentiment that "every spring that's past cannot be recovered." It tears me apart (really, I don't throw phrases like that around lightly...), much because I've spent my whole life living in the months prior to the present, and mostly because it's brutally true and I need to stop doing it. I'm trying to find a healthy and productive way to change myself. As someone who's opposed to complication and been prone to some really stupid and self-destructive behaviors in the past, it's been a challenge.

So I've decided to disappear. This doesn't mean that you'll hear nothing from me for several months until I come home covered in tattoos with a barbell through my face. (Actually, it totally might mean that.) It just means that you're not going to get feeds about my minute-to-minute activities, and it'll be harder to discover what my favorite movies are. As a plus, I always thought it would be neat to have an air of mystery about me, and you can't be mysterious if your big dumb face is plastered all over everyone's wall. Facebook was a means to make myself very easily available for everyone (a personality slut, if you will), in hopes that everyone would never, ever forget for a moment how awesome I am. It was also a means to keep the relationships I had with people...well...dynamic and alive. The main problem with that thinking, however, is that it's retarded. I fucking live in China. So if you want me, I'm here, but now effort has to be made. If you forget about me, it's your own dumb fault.

This is just one step in my current, proactive drive to be healthy and happy and an independent, mature and loving adult. I spent about 3 years in serious therapy before I arrived at the conclusion that "hey, I'm pretty okay." And, really long story short, that was getting over being totally batshit f-u-c-k-e-d up. But now that's over, and I refuse to let things that happened determine who I'm going to become. You know who I'm going to become? Awesome like an awesome blossom with extra awesome. That's who. Do you want to miss out on that? No. (Maybe.)

So here I am, and I can't read your responses, because China won't let me. If you'd care to comment, shoot me an email. Google or Skype chat with me. Talk to me on the phone. (Skype is free, and I pay for call forwarding. I'm always available on my cell unless I get drunk and lose it in a taxi.) But I'm at a point where I want real, personal interaction with people, despite the difficulties that may arrive in that. In order to start getting what I want, I need to start telling people what I want. And what I want is you to value my friendship enough to send me a personal email once in a while. Sorry. It doesn't mean I don't love just means that I don't love nearly enough of you to continue to be an omnipresent dufus.

So there you go. You know where to find me.

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